Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos