ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell