Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I want what they have
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Shower sex be like:
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.