Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
my dog when i have a friend over
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
New Tinder profile.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Jurassic park gets weird
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite