I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
You Might Also Like
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no