I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker