My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Blew out my flip flop…
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.