Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
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Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
こいつ天才
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The real reason evolution started..😂
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
WHY?!
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.