*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me, in DM rooms…
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Come back with a warrant
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.