We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby