-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
blocked.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it