*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
You Might Also Like
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
set yourself free xox
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Saw online –
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.