Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
That’s amazing.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.