First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
stop
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.