My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Jupiter
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Sign at work today
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79