I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.