ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
It’s an epidemic…
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*