[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
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*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”