My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My love language is hissing.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I love wikipedia
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”