Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!