Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
any last words?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”