Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.