INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
No point crayon over spilled milk.