I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
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My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Happy Halloween 🎃
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!