My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.