I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever