Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
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Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
the composer
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.