[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.