It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
San Francisco has too many rules
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out