guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
This sounds bad:
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?