Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
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*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
normalize having existential bread
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
The Birdles
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
yall want some gasoline milk
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.