Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]