Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
adam and eve had first world problems
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.