Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
You Might Also Like
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.