I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore