[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.