Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic