If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees