Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Netflix: We have Less
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip