Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never