Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.