Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
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The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
BRAKING NEWS!!
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.