The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*