me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.