Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
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The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!