At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.