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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”