[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
He’s dead
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse