My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!