I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
You Might Also Like
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.